A Woman's Place - Respect Begins Early

A woman's place is...(you finish the statement).  


Some quotes concerning a woman's place from the Baha'i writings include...

"The emancipation of women, the achievement of full equality between the sexes, is one of the most important, though less acknowledged prerequisites of peace. The denial of such equality perpetrates an injustice against one half of the world's population and promotes in men harmful attitudes and habits that are carried from the family to the workplace, to political life, and ultimately to international relations. There are no grounds, moral, practical, or biological, upon which such denial can be justified. Only as women are welcomed into full partnership in all fields of human endeavor will the moral and psychological climate be created in which international peace can emerge."


"Women and men have been and will always be equal in the sight of God."


You can read a wonderful statement titled, "Advancing the Status of Women" HERE.


In regards to education, it is my contention that the advancement of the status of women begins at home.  Is your home a place of respect for all?  Is it a place that respects women?  Is the power of Baha'i consultation utilized or do traditions and cultural expectations overrule this priceless gift?


I have watched as mother's are disrespected by their children at a very early age, while the father is either treated in a similar manner or is the authoritative figure in the family.  Can you hear the stereotypical phrase, "Well, you wait until your father gets home!" I am not recommending that the mother become an authoritarian and practice 'tough love' or some similar method with their children.  What I am asking is for reflection on the boundaries we provide for children.  Does the leeway I give my child disrespect me?  Does it disrespect them in that it teaches them the wrong lesson of the status of women?


I ask you to consider what actions, small ones even, can build a disrespectful framework for the status of women in the eyes, mind, and heart of a child?  Looking forward to your thoughts.

Respect's Beginnings - Please and Thank You

"A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding." - Baha'u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf


Observing children and adults in conversation, I notice how often eye contact is made, how often the words 'please' and 'thank you' are used, and how often kindly words shape and display how they respect one another.  At the earliest of ages, children can begin the habit of using 'please' and 'thank you' to demonstrate respect, an essential virtue for any relationship - especially those within a family.


For a child to develop this simple way of showing respect, the parents need to model it.  By using these words from parent to parent and from parent to child, we create a normal pattern of respect for all.  Now, interestingly, many of us miss our opportunities to use these words.  Humbling oneself by asking 'please' and showing gratitude for the smallest of things may not be in our own normal pattern of behavior.  Family members may take each other's actions for granted and conversations may be stripped of these foundational words.


Begin, if you don't already, recognizing how often you use these words with your spouse or loved one.  Use them with your children and kindly encourage them to use them with you.  If your child asks for something without ending or beginning with 'please', then, with a kind tone, ask, "and...."  Give them opportunities without reminding them.  Choose when you remind them wisely.  When they are quite young, a toddler, it can be more often.  As they get older, less often.  


Never respond to a child that demands or orders something from you.  You'll know when their tone is inappropriate or not respectful.  Of course, with children they need to learn that the tone is inappropriate, so this is your moment to kindly teach them.  But how might you teach them?  Let's consider these words from Abdu'l-Baha...


"Let not your heart be offended with anyone. If some one commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him. Do not complain of others. Refrain from reprimanding them, and if you wish to give admonition or advice, let it be offered in such a way that it will not burden the bearer. Turn all your thoughts toward bringing joy to hearts." - The Promulgation of Universal Peace


How does this apply to your own child?  I do not think that this means we should use the teachable moment and make light of it and smile.  Perhaps, we merely shouldn't make it heavy, as if the world crashed down on his/her shoulders.  Step-by-step, 'please'-by-'thank you' - respect for family, respect for others, and respect for self begins.

Equality and Justice

Recently, I had a conversation about the funding of education in the US.  In the US there is a great diversity of schools, in just about any category one can think of - including quality.  The average private school is not better than the average public school either - so diversity is within each type of school as well (here's an article about math scores in Private vs. Public schools).  Funding disparities among schools in the US come from many sources, but typically if you go to a 'rich' neighborhood you will find a well funded school and if you go to a 'poor' neighborhood you will find a school in disrepair and/or lacking materials.  In a country that has "the largest and most technologically powerful economy in the world, with a per captia GDP of US$46,000", we don't fund education as much as others.  In a 2003 report done by the OCLC (an online librarian cooperative that has an immense data set available to them :-), the US "ranked tenth in education spending as a percent of GDP at 4.8 percent" in 2001.  Saudi Arabia, Norway, Malaysia, France and South Africa were the top five countries - all spending more than 5 percent of GDP.
Of course, based on percentage that may not seem too bad; however, per capita spending on education for the US was US$1,780 (a ranking of second) and Norway was number one at US$2,850.

Another factor to consider about US school funding, is the US system itself - or lack thereof.  There is no coordinated national school system in the US.  We have 50 state systems and within those there are many more school district systems.  If a child leaves one school to go to another, then there is no guarantee that she will have the same subject classes or be needing remedial lessons or be far ahead of her new classmates.  This diversity can be a strength; however, we tend not to take advantage of learning from what works and what doesn't within this mixed experiment.  Do you think there may be some waste of funds through redundancy?

In 1996, a set of National Science Education Standards were created by the National Academy of Sciences.  It was, and is, a good framework for a science curriculum.  Take a look at them and especially read how they frame the pedagogy for science - inquiry and process have great importance.  They were not written to be a prescriptive, day-by-day lesson plan.  Soon after the NSES were created, states started making their own standards (or altering what they already had) to sometimes reflect the NSES, sometimes expand on the NSES, and/or deviate greatly from the NSES.  How much did it cost to create those state standards?  We still have 50 states with separate science standards and we even have many school districts with district specific standards!

Regardless of the exact amount we spend towards students learning, we do a poor job of distributing the funding we put towards education in a just manner.  I use the word 'just' and not 'equal' on purpose.  A just educational system would lend to providing every student an opportunity to explore and empower themselves according to his/her effort and strengths.  I do not envision a system that is the same for every child, where on day 56 of kindergarten each learns letter 'R', etc.  Each child, as noted in an earlier posting, has gems within and our job is to help them recognize those gems, polish them, and serve humanity.

From the often quoted scripture from Baha'u'llah's Hidden Words..."O Son of Spirit! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor.  Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes."

Now, if we consider the education of all children, worldwide, then we have much to reflect on in terms of justice.  Do we consider a nation spending US$5 per capita on education (Uganda) reasonable?  Is the spending of 1.8% of GDP (2000-2002) by Pakistan justice?  How many gems are going unfound and not being brought to the surface in a resplendent light?  Can our future afford such lack of investment?

Is whining really 'normal' for a 5 year old?

I was visiting a local farmer's market and took in the following scene...

A mother was shopping for some dresses for her two girls (both approximately 5 years
old) and their grandmother was in attendance as well. One of the girls really liked a particular
dress due to its color.  Her mother ignored her interest because it was clearly a large dress labelled
8 on the tag (for an eight year old).  The mother moved to another rack of dresses, while the daughter insisted on getting the mother's attention.  First she told her mother. "Mommy, I want this dress."
The mother ignored her, while the grandmother tried to point out other dresses (without explaining that the dress she wanted wouldn't fit her).  The child increased the drama by whining, "But I want this dress!" and making noises that showed her distress.  After about three minutes of, "Ahhhh, ohhhh..." from the child, the mother came around and frustrated by the whining told her to, "Stop it!" and proceeded to bring the child over to the dresses that would fit her.  Again, none of the adults explained to the child that the dress she wanted was too large.

I suppose that, to an adult, it was obvious that it was too large or that it was trivial to take the minute or two to explain that the dress wouldn't fit.  But, in my mind, neither of these are acceptable.  The child wasn't respected at all.  In fact, the adults in the situation seemed to rather ignore an opportunity to talk with the child and preferred to distract, much like one might with a younger child, or have a confrontation.

In less time than it took to have a dramatic conclusion (and wasted emotions), the adults could have said, "That's a beautiful dress.  What do you like about it?"  Then they could have taken it off of the rack and showed her that it wouldn't fit (and empathizing with the child's disappointment, somewhat).  Then stating, "Let's see if we can find another dress that has ______, but in your size."  That dialogue could have happened prior to the whining - if the adults were observant and sensitive to the presence of another human being (though smaller in stature).

What to do if the adult was too late and the child immediately began to whine?  Address the behavior separate from the child and ask, "Instead of whining, what words can you use to get my attention that are kind?"  By the way, when you ask this question (and many other ones), ask it from the child's eye level in a comforting way (as opposed from on high and with a voice of condescension).

To answer the question in the title.  I think whining is normal when being ignored or not having developed an alternative that works.  It is our task, as adults (and sometimes we whine as well), to recognize that whining isn't who the child is and definitely isn't acceptable as a regular form of communication.  Will even the best of children whine from time to time, of course, but the less we consider it as normal (and if we positively promote more successful alternatives for everyone involved) the less it will happen.  One more thing - if your child is tired (missed a nap, didn't sleep well the night before), just like any adult who hasn't slept well, be prepared for 'odd' behavior such as whining and crying at a moment's notice.

"The instruction of these children is even as the work of a loving gardener who tendeth his young plants in the flowering fields of the All-Glorious." - Abdu'l-Baha

Feel free to share your stories...

Knowledge and Social Change

It is during the holiday of Ridvan and the weeks that follow that brings a certain reflection on the days, weeks, and year ahead.  We have a Baha'i New Year and other holidays as well for similar reflection, but with Ridvan a message from the UHJ is sent around the world.  It is an excerpt from that message that I bring to you today to contemplate the needs and requirements for education today.  As you read it, I ask you to consider if today's schools and school systems are prepared to provide an appropriate environment (one of many that impact an individual's growth and development) for improving the conditions of today's world.

"Access to knowledge is the right of every human being, and participation in its generation, application and diffusion a responsibility that all must shoulder in the great enterprise of building a prosperous world civilization - each individual according to his or her talents and abilities.  Justice demands universal participation.  Thus, while social action may involve the provision of goods and services in some form, its primary concern must be to build capacity within a given population to participate in creating a better world.  Social change is not a project that one group of people carries out for the benefit of another.  The scope and complexity of social action must be commensurate with the human resources available in a village or neighborhood to carry it forward.  Efforts best begin, then, on a modest scale and grow organically as capacity within the population develops.  Capacity rises to new levels, of course, as the protagonists of social change learn to apply with increasing effectiveness elements of Baha'u'llah's Revelation, together with the contents and methods of science, to their social reality.  This reality they must strive to read in a manner consistent with His teachings - seeing in their fellow human beings gems of inestimable value and recognizing the effects of the dual process of integration and disintegration on both hearts and minds, as well as on social structures."

When reading through this myself, I contemplate the educational framework that is typically utilized (grade system - K-12 or similar designations for primary and secondary levels) and I ask, "Are we building a capacity for social change with the students?" "Are the children being prepared to be the adults necessary for transforming this world for the better?"  Or, are we preparing them for a world that has already past with subtle substitutions?

A Child's Patience and the Marshmallow

In a classic experiment, researchers found a strong correlation between a child's ability to delay gratification and his/her success in life (as defined in many ways).  In the most loving manner, patience teaches one more than the ability be quiet while waiting.  Take a look at the following two videos...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsqeYOk--w

http://www.ted.com/talks/joachim_de_posada_says_don_t_eat_the_marshmallow_yet.html


"O son of man! For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials." (Bahá'u'lláh, The Hidden Words, Arabic 48)


"It behoveth whosoever hath set his face towards the Most Sublime Horizon to cleave tenaciously unto the cord of patience, and to put his reliance in God, the Help in Peril, the Unconstrained." (Baha'u'llah)

and, last but not least, this one reminds me of the children in the video most (though a marshmallow test is not so dire)...

"...God will add unto the recompense with which He shall reward Us, for having sustained with persevering patience the tribulations We have suffered. He, verily, shall increase the reward of them that endure with patience." (Baha'u'llah)

Raising Baha'is (without brattiness)...

This posting is to provide you with some of the many Baha'i writings that can apply to raising children in line with Baha'i principles.  One caveat, as an individual I can only provide my interpretation and emphasis concerning these writings.  You may take something more or less from each quote concerning raising children - so, you have been warned. :-)

One source of useful advice comes from a book titled, "Mothers, Fathers and Children" by A. Furutan.  He uses several Baha'i quotes to frame his advice and does a good job using simple language and clear logic to justify it.  For those of you not familiar with him, you can check out this link --- A. Furutan.  He begins his book with a chapter titled, "Six Educational Counsels".

To open this chapter he quotes Abdu'l-Baha, "According to the teachings of Baha'u'llah, the family being a human unit must be educated according to the rules of sanctity.  All the virtues must be taught the family."

The first is 'The Necessity of Agreement between Parents' and he quotes Baha'u'llah, "Ye were created to show love to one another and not perversity and rancor."  This provides consistency, let alone relative peace.

The second is 'The Childhood Years and the Force of Habit' and he quotes Abdu'l-Baha, "It is extremely difficult to teach the individual and refine his character once puberty is passed. By then, as experience hath shown, even if every effort be exerted to modify some tendency of his, it all availeth nothing. He may, perhaps, improve somewhat today; but let a few days pass and he forgetteth, and turneth backward to his habitual condition and accustomed ways. Therefore it is in early childhood that a firm foundation must be laid. While the branch is green and tender it can easily be made straight."  This is one reason why we have started what we call a Virtues Playgroup with children ages 4-6.  It is wonderful to have children who understand (in their own way) what perseverance and unity mean in word and deed (among others).

The third is 'Parents' Words and Deeds are Children's Examples' and he quotes Baha'u'llah, "Take heed, O people, lest ye be of them that give good counsel to others but forget to follow it themselves." Children have a set of neurons (as do adults) that are highly active and remarkable.  They are called mirror neurons.  We have empathy and develop it (and other virtues) through mirroring other's actions.  Being respectful of a child's emotion by listening and encouraging them to verbalize, as opposed to ignoring and teaching them that tantrums are the best way to get attention, can be quite helpful at times.  This doesn't mean have a lengthy argument or engage in a discussion for all things, but adults tend to write off a child's emotion and miss an opportunity to teach the child that the emotion is reasonable and teach them how to utilize that emotion for the better.

The fourth is 'Self-Control' and he quotes Abdu'l-Baha, "The individual must be educated to such a high degree that he...would think it easier to be slashed with a sword or pierced with a spear than to utter calumny or be carried away by wrath." How many times as adults have we said something that we regret or, worse yet, don't recognize that we should regret it because it causes division and pain?  This counsel is strongly linked to the third one mentioned above.  In the end, of course, the virtue of forgiveness is our saving grace when self-control fails.

The fifth is 'Keeping Promises Made to Children' and he quotes Baha'u'llah, "Trustworthiness is the greatest portal leading unto the tranquility and security of the people. In truth the stability of every affair hath depended and doth depend upon it." What a lesson to be learned at such a young age and such rewards to be gained when applied as adults.

The sixth is 'The Effects of Deceit on Children' and he quotes Abdu'l-Baha, "Truthfulness is the foundation of all virtues of the world of humanity. Without truthfulness, progress and success in all the worlds of God are impossible for a soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also become realized." He relates a story where a mother took a son to a movie, while leaving the daughter at home. In order to not upset the daughter, the mother tells her falsely that she's taking the son to the dentist and hides the fact of taking him to the movies. Once returned home, the daughter pretends to be asleep in her room and the mother tells the father of the trip to the movies with her son. The daughter is, to say the least, disappointed.

With this brief overview, I hope that you can take away some new ideas (or at least quotes).  The rest of the book is quite good and I recommend that you take a look.  Looking forward to your thoughts.