As a parent I am aware, not all of the time, of my behavior when in the presence of my child. What I do and what I say will alter her reality, her understanding, and her ability to express virtues in this world. I fail at times and sometimes I succeed in small measure. I don't ponder this to a level of immobilization or fear, but I check myself from time to time and many times ask, "Did she just replicate what I do?" And my response to that question is either "Oh no." or "That's nice."
I wonder however, when parents start having difficulties with a child's behavior do they analyze themselves, their home environment, their words and deeds and ask, "How might these things contribute to reinforcing my child's undesirable behaviors and how they might contribute to reinforcing his/her desirable behaviors?"
If my child acts out inappropriately, then have I displayed that behavior as an adult? Have I given permission, by deed, that acting out is commendable? Do I expect respect, when the subtle actions I have with my child deem respecting them as unworthy of my time?
Please don't misunderstand me, I don't agree with the idea that my child is above me and should be treated as a spoiled princess having all things done for her at a moment's notice. I do think though that she has a noble station and if I can show her respect by acknowledging her interests by commenting on a drawing as she requests, "Daddy, take a look at this" and just giving into the shared moment, then I will do it. Also, I will respect her by asking her to wait patiently when I cannot be interrupted and then following through with recognizing her use of the virtue of patience when I am ready.
When she was younger, the time period she could wait without being frustrated was short but over time I have reinforced the display of patience from one minute to now many minutes. This is one example of applying patience and caring. Do I always excel at this? No. But I try to remind myself of my nobel nature and her's and the power of another virtue used so little by ourselves, for ourselves - forgiveness.
Showing posts with label respect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label respect. Show all posts
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A Woman's Place - Respect Begins Early
A woman's place is...(you finish the statement).
Some quotes concerning a woman's place from the Baha'i writings include...
"The emancipation of women, the achievement of full equality between the sexes, is one of the most important, though less acknowledged prerequisites of peace. The denial of such equality perpetrates an injustice against one half of the world's population and promotes in men harmful attitudes and habits that are carried from the family to the workplace, to political life, and ultimately to international relations. There are no grounds, moral, practical, or biological, upon which such denial can be justified. Only as women are welcomed into full partnership in all fields of human endeavor will the moral and psychological climate be created in which international peace can emerge."
"Women and men have been and will always be equal in the sight of God."
You can read a wonderful statement titled, "Advancing the Status of Women" HERE.
In regards to education, it is my contention that the advancement of the status of women begins at home. Is your home a place of respect for all? Is it a place that respects women? Is the power of Baha'i consultation utilized or do traditions and cultural expectations overrule this priceless gift?
I have watched as mother's are disrespected by their children at a very early age, while the father is either treated in a similar manner or is the authoritative figure in the family. Can you hear the stereotypical phrase, "Well, you wait until your father gets home!" I am not recommending that the mother become an authoritarian and practice 'tough love' or some similar method with their children. What I am asking is for reflection on the boundaries we provide for children. Does the leeway I give my child disrespect me? Does it disrespect them in that it teaches them the wrong lesson of the status of women?
I ask you to consider what actions, small ones even, can build a disrespectful framework for the status of women in the eyes, mind, and heart of a child? Looking forward to your thoughts.
Some quotes concerning a woman's place from the Baha'i writings include...
"The emancipation of women, the achievement of full equality between the sexes, is one of the most important, though less acknowledged prerequisites of peace. The denial of such equality perpetrates an injustice against one half of the world's population and promotes in men harmful attitudes and habits that are carried from the family to the workplace, to political life, and ultimately to international relations. There are no grounds, moral, practical, or biological, upon which such denial can be justified. Only as women are welcomed into full partnership in all fields of human endeavor will the moral and psychological climate be created in which international peace can emerge."
"Women and men have been and will always be equal in the sight of God."
You can read a wonderful statement titled, "Advancing the Status of Women" HERE.
In regards to education, it is my contention that the advancement of the status of women begins at home. Is your home a place of respect for all? Is it a place that respects women? Is the power of Baha'i consultation utilized or do traditions and cultural expectations overrule this priceless gift?
I have watched as mother's are disrespected by their children at a very early age, while the father is either treated in a similar manner or is the authoritative figure in the family. Can you hear the stereotypical phrase, "Well, you wait until your father gets home!" I am not recommending that the mother become an authoritarian and practice 'tough love' or some similar method with their children. What I am asking is for reflection on the boundaries we provide for children. Does the leeway I give my child disrespect me? Does it disrespect them in that it teaches them the wrong lesson of the status of women?
I ask you to consider what actions, small ones even, can build a disrespectful framework for the status of women in the eyes, mind, and heart of a child? Looking forward to your thoughts.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Respect's Beginnings - Please and Thank You
"A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding." - Baha'u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf
Observing children and adults in conversation, I notice how often eye contact is made, how often the words 'please' and 'thank you' are used, and how often kindly words shape and display how they respect one another. At the earliest of ages, children can begin the habit of using 'please' and 'thank you' to demonstrate respect, an essential virtue for any relationship - especially those within a family.
For a child to develop this simple way of showing respect, the parents need to model it. By using these words from parent to parent and from parent to child, we create a normal pattern of respect for all. Now, interestingly, many of us miss our opportunities to use these words. Humbling oneself by asking 'please' and showing gratitude for the smallest of things may not be in our own normal pattern of behavior. Family members may take each other's actions for granted and conversations may be stripped of these foundational words.
Begin, if you don't already, recognizing how often you use these words with your spouse or loved one. Use them with your children and kindly encourage them to use them with you. If your child asks for something without ending or beginning with 'please', then, with a kind tone, ask, "and...." Give them opportunities without reminding them. Choose when you remind them wisely. When they are quite young, a toddler, it can be more often. As they get older, less often.
Never respond to a child that demands or orders something from you. You'll know when their tone is inappropriate or not respectful. Of course, with children they need to learn that the tone is inappropriate, so this is your moment to kindly teach them. But how might you teach them? Let's consider these words from Abdu'l-Baha...
"Let not your heart be offended with anyone. If some one commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him. Do not complain of others. Refrain from reprimanding them, and if you wish to give admonition or advice, let it be offered in such a way that it will not burden the bearer. Turn all your thoughts toward bringing joy to hearts." - The Promulgation of Universal Peace
How does this apply to your own child? I do not think that this means we should use the teachable moment and make light of it and smile. Perhaps, we merely shouldn't make it heavy, as if the world crashed down on his/her shoulders. Step-by-step, 'please'-by-'thank you' - respect for family, respect for others, and respect for self begins.
Observing children and adults in conversation, I notice how often eye contact is made, how often the words 'please' and 'thank you' are used, and how often kindly words shape and display how they respect one another. At the earliest of ages, children can begin the habit of using 'please' and 'thank you' to demonstrate respect, an essential virtue for any relationship - especially those within a family.
For a child to develop this simple way of showing respect, the parents need to model it. By using these words from parent to parent and from parent to child, we create a normal pattern of respect for all. Now, interestingly, many of us miss our opportunities to use these words. Humbling oneself by asking 'please' and showing gratitude for the smallest of things may not be in our own normal pattern of behavior. Family members may take each other's actions for granted and conversations may be stripped of these foundational words.
Begin, if you don't already, recognizing how often you use these words with your spouse or loved one. Use them with your children and kindly encourage them to use them with you. If your child asks for something without ending or beginning with 'please', then, with a kind tone, ask, "and...." Give them opportunities without reminding them. Choose when you remind them wisely. When they are quite young, a toddler, it can be more often. As they get older, less often.
Never respond to a child that demands or orders something from you. You'll know when their tone is inappropriate or not respectful. Of course, with children they need to learn that the tone is inappropriate, so this is your moment to kindly teach them. But how might you teach them? Let's consider these words from Abdu'l-Baha...
"Let not your heart be offended with anyone. If some one commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him. Do not complain of others. Refrain from reprimanding them, and if you wish to give admonition or advice, let it be offered in such a way that it will not burden the bearer. Turn all your thoughts toward bringing joy to hearts." - The Promulgation of Universal Peace
How does this apply to your own child? I do not think that this means we should use the teachable moment and make light of it and smile. Perhaps, we merely shouldn't make it heavy, as if the world crashed down on his/her shoulders. Step-by-step, 'please'-by-'thank you' - respect for family, respect for others, and respect for self begins.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)